Dear Diary, (I cannot believe that I just wrote that, but I don’t know how else to start a diary)
You know when you read books and all these amazing things happen to people and it sounds really exciting? Well, they’re liars. It isn’t exciting. It’s scary, confusing and it all takes place in a very average kind of a way. When I was walking here with Sam, it was just like a pleasant walk in the country. And now that I have arrived at the Druid’s Grove, it’s just like one of those awkward moments when you visit a stranger’s home and you need to make conversation with them over a cup of tea and a biscuit.
It’s like the circumstances are extreme, but the motions are just so normal and average. Even when I was locked in the dire, grey cell and when I was on the verge of execution in the town centre, it all seemed very… not mundane but natural. Maybe it’s because it’s me who is on the journey, not the rest of the world. Maybe it looks epic to everyone else because it is something that they can’t comprehend. But if it ever happens to them, it won’t seem epic to them. It’ll seem like just another thing in life. That isn’t to say that it’s not stressful - it has been. I’ve got Sharon shouting in my ear all the time, I’m homesick, missing my family and friends, I’m exhausted emotionally and physically, and I’m living with strangers.
But all that stuff happened when I did a transfer to Arrashek when I was fifteen. Just instead of Sharon being a pain, it was Charity Wheeten. Yes, it’s a strain but it doesn’t feel epic like those storytellers would have you believe. Maybe it’s just me.
Morab told me that writing a diary would be helpful. It would help me to externalize my feelings and it would help them with their records. I think Morab likes the idea of lots of books, account, records, etc. And he told me to be honest, and I will be whether he likes it or not.
I don’t like Morab. He treats both Tergen and Sam appallingly - he talks to Tergen as though he’s deaf and has some kind of mental illness, and he patronizes Sam so much. He isn’t five, he’s in his thirties and perfectly capable. I’ve really grown to like Sam. I wasn’t sure about him at first. I thought he was pretty lame. He annoyed me and really got on my nerves. But we spent a lot of time together walking here, and I can now see him for who he really is. He’s lovely. He’s sweet and a little inarticulate. He’s caring and innocent and child-like. I put that down to the treatment he’s received from Morab, who definitely needs bringing down a couple of steps. Someone needs to shoot the high horse he’s on.
I don’t know what to expect from the future. It’s so unclear and vague. But whatever happens I will be spending it with Sharon. I think we’re beginning to get somewhere. Our relationship is building more than being knocked down now. We’re beginning to understand what ticks us off and we act accordingly. My attitude to relationships has changed dramatically. The kindness shown to me from Sam has made me realise what a bitch I’ve been. Especially to Maj. I feel sorry for him. I was truly awful to him. And I would apologise if I could. But I won’t ever go back to Bridgeside. That life is over. My new life will be here in Druid’s Grove. Sounds epic, right? Not at all. All that has happened is that I have left home and am making my own way in the world. And everyone does that.
Speak again soon, Diary,
Jen.
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